The Peak

I gave up and let go while climbing the summit.

Doing it alone and not physically nor mentally ready – I needed to give up again and again and again.

I had a conference in Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia, and after that, I planned to have a four (4) day Gobi Desert tour. It means traveling 1,680 kilometers by car to see the White Stupa – an enormous 60 meters high and 400 meters wide cliff called that was underwater 10 million years ago. The Flaming Cliffs were dinosaur bones and eggs that were found in the 1920s. And the Khongol Sand Dunes – or the Singing dunes because you can hear the sand’s movement as the wind dances.

On the second day of my Gobi Dessert tour, I found myself in the Khongor Sand Dunes. It’s a 200-meter peak. And a peak I had to climb on my own.

Dashka, my tour guide, asked if I will climb the peak, I said yes without batting an eyelash. He added I have to do it alone and I answered “Sure.”. Our five-hour drive must have exhausted him.

After walking for a few meters, I realized why all the tourist guides stay back and just watch us climb. It was not easy. As you try to step up, you will find yourself sliding back for a few steps. And it gets harder as you go higher.

1/3 of the way, my legs started to stiffen after every 10-20 steps, and my breathing was harsh. My usually calm heartbeat relentlessly pounded out of my chest.

I stopped and my head was swirling with questions and answers and assumptions.

I criticized myself: “Why am I so tired?” “Am I this Tita?”

I started comparing myself to others: “Other tourists reached the peak, why can’t I?”.

And then self-pity: “If I am part of a group, it would be easier!”.

The conversations went on and on in my head. After I rested for five minutes, I climbed again. I climbed barefoot. In between and underneath parts of me are sand – fine, soft, cool – I found delight in feeling it.

The feeling of the wind and sand kept me going somehow.

The more exhausted I was, the feistier the conversations in my head became.

“Why can’t you do this?”

“What will your overachiever bff say?”

“Why are you so weak? You’ve paid $680 for this- finish it!”
I kept on climbing the crazy climb.

But ¾ of the way, I stopped. I suddenly just stopped. It’s past 7 and getting dark… what else can I do but fully surrender?

I surrendered and let it go.

I quieted the feisty voice and let my appeasing voice in my head speak, it said, “It’s okay”, “I forgive you for not making it.”, “There is always a next time.”.

I still wondered what was on the other side, how the sunset might dazzle me, but I just let go.

My appeasing voice also said, “You can YouTube what’s on the other side.”

I just lay down on the sand, looking at how high I’ve come but also forgiving of the fact I can no longer reach the top. I closed my eyes and listened to the sand.

I found a sense of calm and peace.

And after a few minutes of silence and meditation, of not wanting anything but to be in the now, no longer needing to reach the top…. Like the sand moving to where the wind takes it, I found a force – some sort of strength and inspiration that pushed me to move ahead.

This learning reminds me of the times I fully surrendered and put myself first – and the result was what I desired.

10 more steps, and then 20, and for the last few meters —- I crawled my way to the top.

I saw the sprawling desert, like ocean waves that decided to stay in one place, the sun setting in slow motion, orange, yellow, and calming, and I heard the other tourists who may have seen me struggling from their peripheries cheering and saying “finally”.

I also whispered, “Finally!”

I made it when I accepted that I can’t.

This learning reminds me of the times I fully surrendered and put myself first – and the result was what I desired.

I heard once and this experience reiterated once again, that “Radical self-love is quantum.”

The priority will always be to be inspired, and courageous, to relentlessly forgive one’s self, to unconditional acceptance, to be gracious, to stay present, at peace, and in love. Listening to the kind, reassuring voice inside my head.

Sometimes the hardest peak we have to climb is one that can be conquered from the bottom – self-love.